sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
where are you?
Hypothermia
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
