I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize