she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
