she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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