quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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