i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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