she is the kim kardashian of front butts
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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