I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
