Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I want is dick and wine.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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