phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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