I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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