I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
