Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
