Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
