I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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