The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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