who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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