So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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