I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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