worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
