yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
