I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
