Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
