Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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