The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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