I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
