I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
