Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
accomplished twins. life is a go
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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