So drunk its hurt
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
