Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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