I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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