my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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