So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
