Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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