Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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