after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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