Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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