Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
