Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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