Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
