So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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