Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize