thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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