Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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