I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize