You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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