You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize