I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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