I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
