So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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