drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
