NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
