I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
