in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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