nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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