nut hugger
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
