The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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