Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
