Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
