also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
