You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
