It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
